Kellogg's outsources mascot jobs!

It took several invocations of a rite not entirely intended for use by mortals, but I have succeeded in remembering the login credentials for this blog. A good thing too, for a most pressing matter must be brought to everyone's attention.

This blog is being published from out of Belgium. Now, despite this being a communist dictatorship^* we do enjoy the right to some luxury goods such as breakfast cereal. We're not just talking the cereal that comes in plain recycled cardboard boxes with the word "cereal" printed on them either, we're talking the proper stuff, with real grains. We're talking Kellogg's here.

However, something must be clarified to you, the American reader. I'm assuming you're American since there seem to be so many of you on the Internet that the chances of this being incorrect are negligible, and the Chinese won't be able to read this post as it contains the phrase "communist dictatorship". The Kellogg company has seen it fit to create discrepancies in the availability of its many lines of breakfast foods throughout the world. For example, Froot Loops are no longer available here because the colours inspired uprising. On the other hand, we have some lines not available in the United States - we know thanks to illicit viewings of American TV commercials in underground bars. These include Chocos and Honey Pops, both amongst the finest products to have ever been derived from grains after beer.

The commercials have also allowed us to get to know cereal mascots and their motions through the corporate hazard course of cereal mascottery. For example, we know that at some point the perpetually disappointing brand known as Cocoa Crispies in your country has been represented by a monkey before it went back into the hands of Snap, Crackle and Pop (each named after his specialty in the field of breaking the bones of Kellogg's enemies). Know that this monkey is still very much alive and is the face of Coco Pops, the European version of Cocoa Crispies.

Coco the monkey, mocking us while rendering his crappy cereal mushy with milk

The aforementioned Honey Pops are led by a bee that was initially a bit pudgy and of ambiguous gender...



... but is now proven to be a female and has dropped weight to attain very alluring measurements, which I find somewhat confusing and arousing.

That... that's quite a sexy bee

And then we have Chocos. The mascot of this cereal has always been a loveable bear, presenting his treats with a good-natured smile, inspiring confidence much like Tony Tiger but without the use of steroids and over much superior cereals.



That is, until the end of 2009, when thousands of children walked dazed and confused through the isles of supermarkets looking for their favourite cereal that does not dissolve into the milk three seconds after coming into contact with it. A habit that over the years had molded their visual system to block out the image of the ape with his false promise of crispy chocolate treats. When the reason for its apparent absence became clear, shock and outrage followed.

Aw HELL NO!

Chocos the bear no longer adorned the front of his own goddamn cereal. All hopes that this was somehow a horrible printing mistake vanished upon inspection of the rear side of the box, where Chocos was shown being waved farewell by a foreground hogging Coco the monkey, knapsack in hand and all.



And why did we have to suffer this insult? Had the bear developed delusions of stardom? Had he gone through an episode of heroin addiction and was the company's clean image at stake? Was it that time he briefly snapped and threatened to rape kids with a toy lightsaber?

Come on, we've all been there

No, it's quite clear why he had to go. The bear was too expensive. Obviously this third-world monkey which only had to be paid 4 cents a day could be used as mascot for another cereal, so now they just had him working double shifts for probably an only 25% increase in wage (5 whole cents!).
And this way a precedent is being created for showing veterans from the cereal mascot business the door in favour of oursourcing their jobs to foreigners who can't even pronounce the cereal's name. It should come as no surprise that Chocos are distributed in one other part of the world outside of Europe... India. Not only are IT helpdesk jobs being massively transferred to Indians who are only slightly more incompetent at them, now good honest European bears are given the boot as well.

It's not an isolated incident either. Kellogg's is obviously out to cut staff costs all across the board, as evidenced by the replacement of the mascot for another of their brands, Honey Loops. Originally fronted by Loopy the bee, they have now simply passed control of this line over to miss Miel Pops from, you guessed it, Honey Pops. They figure that if the change occurs within groups of similarly themed cereals we won't notice. The elimination of Loopy didn't cause quite such a stir, though, indicating that either Kellogg's is getting really good at this or people are less prone to complain when the replacement is a sassy, hot bee.

Seriously, there's no way that bee is NOT trying to seduce me

So be warned, people of America. It is only a matter of time before they decide Toucan Sam might as well be portrayed by a less high-maintencance species or Cap'n Crunch should start considering retirement and then you'll start feeling the losses as well. In the best case, you might gain a sexually assertive bee, but don't count on it too much.

^*This assessment of our current political situation might not be entirely accurate as I haven't kept up with our frequent status change regarding a government presence. We do have a king, though.